a letter to a ten week old foetus, dated 25/05/15

dear kumquat

you are very small

I am unsure of how we’re going to do this but I do know I am going to love you so much. I know I’m pregnant so I cry all the time anyway but I’m crying thinking about how much I’m going to love you. you won’t understand that for a very long time.

love can be so overwhelming, the way it fills you like air fills a balloon and you just get more and more full of love until you feel like you’re going to burst but somehow you just get bigger. my capacity for love will always surprise me.

before I met rich I didn’t know it was possible to love someone as much as I love him but here we are. and I know that’s going to be the same as you.

the idea that we created you, that you were nothing, like… literally non existent until we made you is incredible. and you’re so small. like, so incredibly teeny tiny and yet you’re so well formed, already. you have fingernails and a heart and lungs and a pancreas and these are all things you’ll learn in bio class but I’ll probably teach you because it’s super interesting. and you’re going to have so many people teaching you all different things that they want to share with you. but don’t you ever feel pressured by it, okay?

the reason we’re doing it is because we love you so much, and when you love someone you just want to share other things that you love because it’s so exciting. and that’s why I used to make my daddy beaded bracelets and that’s why he used to keep them. because that’s what loving someone is about.

you can be whoever you want to be. I need you to know that. you are important and special and nothing you could possibly ever do or say will change that. we love  you unconditionally. I know that’s a big word but it’s like. you know when harry potter will do absolutely anything to put the world back to right? including die for it? that’s how we love you. and nothing you ever do or say will change that.

alright 10 week old baby.

mummy out 

Weeks 20-24

These past few weeks of pregnancy have been good. The baby has been kicking loads, which – while impractical when trying to sleep – is honestly the most amazing feeling in the world. I’m still not showing very much, which is quite baffling to me as tomorrow it is only FIFTEEN WEEKS UNTIL THIS LITTLE BUB IS DUE. But I’m enjoying that too, as walking and exercise is still fun for me. My 22^nd week was spent in the Peak District with my parents, doing lots of walking. R joined us for a couple of days which obviously made it a million times better, but in itself it was a really amazing week. I surprised myself with what my body still felt really comfortable doing, and the last day there we did a ten mile walk which just felt good. I still felt very agile and relaxed, which was probably the first time during pregnancy that I had felt that.

That week was my first really good, almost totally migraine free week that I’ve had since about week 6, and since then I haven’t had a proper migraine. That is a life changing situation to be in, because I can actually function properly as opposed to feeling like an awful zombie.

I’m back to eating porridge and am enjoying it, which is definitely a relief because I was really stuck on breakfast ideas. I am still on absurd amounts of tuna sandwiches, and also had a couple of days of egg sandwiches. This week all I’ve been thinking about is burritos and burgers, but I think that’s less of a pregnancy craving and more of a me craving.

The week before we went to the Peak District I had my anomaly scan, which R of course made sure to be there for. I don’t think either of us would have liked it if we weren’t both there.

The scan was honestly just incredible. I didn’t remotely feel tearful at the first two scans, nor when I felt the baby more for the first time, but when we were watching the blood pumping through that tiny heart on the screen in front of us, my eyes definitely got wet. The previous scans had only lasted about five minutes, whereas due to the nature of the anomaly scan being an in depth look at how the baby is growing, this scan lasted much longer. Being able to spend so much time looking at our little bub, at the hands and feet and tiny nose was quite incredible. It makes it feel a lot more real.

I have another scan at 28 weeks and I’m so excited to see the changes and growth in baby.

The past couple of weeks have mostly been locked in the studio with T, recording the vocals for the upcoming Nevermind Me album, so really I haven’t thought a lot about being pregnant. I think I’m very focussed on having things ready and getting stuff done that I’m distracting from the fact that at the end of this I’m going to give birth and we’re going to have a child.

For a while that was filling me with a great deal of fear because I have a lot of worries about not being a good mother. Now, however, I’m mostly at a point where I am just so excited. The main thing that I keep telling myself is that R and I are insanely in love and we already love baby such incredible amounts that nothing else really matters. We’ve got my family’s support, and an amazing group of friends that are really rooting for us both and anything else that comes along is insignificant to those things. I know R and I are the best team, and I can’t imagine anyone else in the world that I could be more excited to raise a child with than R. And in those things I have absolute trust, so everything else falls by the wayside.

I’m going to be 25 weeks tomorrow and cannot believe how quickly this pregnancy is flying by. Bring it.

week 20: halfway through

Beginning to feel akin to a whale, or a house. Am feeling exhausted about 95% of the time. In fact, the only time I do not feel exhausted is when I am asleep. I can hear my heartbeat and feel it reverberating through my body with every breath that I take.

Starting to get pretty pissed off with pregnancy books. Every week I’m reading, “Great! So given that you’re well into the second trimester, you’re probably feeling great right?! This is optimum time during pregnancy, as the early symptoms at the beginning have worn off and you’re not yet too big. Go you, the blooming, glowing pregnant lady!”

Well you know what? Fuck you too. I am feeling neither blooming nor glowing. I am a lumbering, graceless wreck with a near permanent headache. To every person that has told me what a wonderful time pregnancy is, and how much they miss it: please, do take over. You can carry this baby if you really want.

I, of course, am not serious. Every time I think about this life I’m growing inside, every time I feel the baby move and kick about, I am unbelievably thankful for this incredible experience that I’m going through.

I just want to go back to sleep.