There are 48 days until my due date. Somehow that seems like
way too many and not enough all at the same time.
One half of me is sick of being pregnant. Is desperate and
impatient and cannot wait to meet the little baby my body has been growing for
the last 33 weeks. Just wants to this stage of being big and heavy and achy and
bored and clumsy to be over, so I can get to the next stage of being crazy
sleep deprived and wonder struck. My body is going to be nourishing bub for the
next year to come (all being well), so I’d quite like to get to the next stage now rather than wait another seven
weeks.
But the other half of me is terrified. There’s so much to
do. R and I are yet to move into our house, which needs to be finished. The
bathroom needs to be finished and all the rooms need painting and we need to
pick out a new carpet for the bedrooms. We need to sort out our tenancy
contract and even when that’s all sorted, we need to physically move in and
unpack and organise. I haven’t even started making freezer meals. There’s still
about 6 loads of bub’s washing to do before the grand arrival. I have to pass
my driving test.
And then on top of all of the ways we’re physically not
ready, there’s the whole… having a baby thing. Pregnancy has consumed me,
taking up all my brain space since I found out I was pregnant. My life has been
revolving around this little sprog, and yet I don’t think it’s real to me. I
still kick myself every time I think about the fact that we are having a baby. A real one. Like, an actual human child.
I’m not ready for that. I’m barely done being a child
myself.
I know we’re going to be brilliant. I can’t wait to see R
with our baby. I can’t wait for us to be a little family of three. And I know
that when I hold that baby in my arms for the first time, it won’t matter. Just
like it doesn’t matter when I feel the movements in my tummy, when I see the
ripples under my skin of a little leg wriggling. I know that all of it won’t
matter because I am ready, even if I keep
freaking out and even if I am only 19 and am too young for this. My heart is so
full. I feel content. I feel at peace. I feel happy.
